What do I do?

I don't know what to do. I want to care, I want things to be how they used to be in my first few blogs, but that seems to mean just being friends. I don't know what to do anymore. I really do want the family, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it is family or like it's wanted by anyone else, or that it even can really be family. I'm scared and lost and don't know what to do or where to go from here.

Maybe I was stupid. I screwed up too much. I was too hopeful. I set standards or expectations or whatever you want to call it, hopes, wishes, desires, whatever too high. I wanted too much. I thought too much was possible. I should've just asked for a friend. I saw an opportunity and tried to make it more than it could or was supposed to be. I failed at family once again in my life. Maybe I've been stealing from God and not receiving. Like God had this plan in bringing this family into my life and maybe instead of waiting and receiving the fullness of what God had planned I've just stolen from God and not gotten the fullness of what He had planned, and maybe that's what all this is, maybe that's what I'm experiencing and why I feel the way I do and why things seem the way they do. I don't know if God put this family in my life to be like family or to BE family to me, I know that's what I want, and I hope that's part of the reason they are in my life, but maybe it's not, and that scares me. It almost makes me want to keep stealing from Him so I can have them as my own family, but I know that's not right. I want it to still be worth it even if they aren't supposed to be family to me, but something inside of me feels like it won't be because it won't be how I want and hope for, and I don't know what to do. Can you just push those feelings aside and brush them off and keep moving and MAKE it worth it? Can it still be worth it? Can they still be family? Are they even supposed to be family? Why are they in my life? Like what is the specific reason? Am I stealing from God? I hope that I'm not, I hope that I can start receiving the fullness of what God has planned by placing them in my life, but still experience life and them as family to me. I hope they still stick around and care about me and pour into me and love me like they have. I don't want to lose that. I love them, all of them, greatly.